Wednesdays are for walking

This post is about a 4 minute read. It’s sort of summarizing the 8.5 minute video above.

This visual is so very helpful for me in keeping my head when training, or leading, or even just trying new things myself.

The video above, with my phone helpfully held by Heidi and photobombed repeatedly by little Eclipse, is unfortunately full of wind noise. I apologize.

The general gist:

I had this great idea - I was going to use our semi-annual deworming to allow Tundra to figure out that choosing to put a strange object in or near her mouth would result in a wonderful sensation (molasses). My intention was to give Tundra a choice and time to process a positive experience, rather than me just quickly shoving the dewormer syringe in the side of her mouth and getting this routine task “over with.”

I’m trying to recreate what happened, because it really made me realize that there are some responsibilities for honesty that I have, if I want to keep faith with my horse(s). I intended to give her a choice, but despite my great plan and all that great molasses, she said no. With increasing emphasis. At a certain point I realized that I was slipping back into an “Ask, Tell, Promise” strategy, which, while useful for already learned cues, was not AT ALL what I had gone into this particular situation meaning to employ.

I pulled myself back from the brink, with some difficulty, and ended the whole session positively. She had ingested enough of the dewormer by accident that I was just fine giving the rest in a mash of oats (and leftover molasses - now everywhere). I thought about this whole experience a lot, though, and how easy it was for me to stop listening as soon as Tundra gave me an answer I didn’t want.

The visual with the circles is really much more helpful in a new situation than “promising” a horse that they will do this thing I’ve arbitrarily decided they will agree to do. Especially when I started the whole exercise giving her a choice and a voice.

So, maybe you can suffer through the wind tunnel effect and get the idea from her cues with me in this “re-creation,” where I’m trying to stay honest and aware of her tolerance and conversation with me. It was interesting how much more she did tolerate today than in my first attempt. Clearly the continued exposure to the weird shapes/smells/tastes is already landing as not so scary or dangerous or unwelcome.

The application to humans is, I hope, also somewhat apparent. Heidi’s question at about the 4 minute mark is so great. Sometimes we do need to have things done to our animals (and our people) that they don’t enjoy and would protest or decline, if given the option. So, in those cases, I want to be honest and tell them up front that they don’t have an option. My problem here was starting out as if Tundra did, and then (almost) taking it away. That’s not building trust. That’s changing the game, and thereby creating a situation where she will be increasingly reluctant to tell me her thoughts, opinions, or real feelings. And in the long run, that would make it harder for me to trust her, too.

With any care-giving relationship, there are uncomfortable situations. Some of these can be anticipated. Dentists, doctors, and school are all initially scary environments for kids. We can do lots to help those orange circles be swallowed up by blue and even green “states.” Mostly, we break them down into smaller “bites” and shorter lengths and softer “landings.” Kids adapt pretty well. Adults less so, but we also can learn!

Some situations cannot reasonably be predicted, and in those cases, the container of trust that has been built through lots of graded challenges will really come in handy. If I’ve helped Tundra navigate new experiences, without scaring or shaming or rushing or blaming her, she will likely consent to just get some stuff over with, and move on with our relationship expecting that that was just a wrinkle. Which, hopefully, it was.

Anyway, continuing with the “you’ve got to fight to live” theme, thinking about how hard someone else is already fighting, and honouring their tries as sincere, and also their reluctance as real, is such a great opportunity to show them you are fighting for them, too. Which is how I want to be in my home, and yard, and community.