This was a hard podcast to record. For some reason, everything that could go wrong, did. I had technical, scheduling, and sound difficulties. It took several tries to even find it once I downloaded it to my laptop. I had to persevere to get this one out! And, I don’t even know if it makes sense.
Also, it’s long, because I really wanted to try to make sense of this fence. I think this categorization is important to me, and maybe to anyone who finds themselves locked in an ongoing “transactional” relationship with another party who is not able (or willing?) to provide what looks to be on offer.
We all know of other people who seem unable to escape a clearly abusive cycle with patterns that repeat so predictably everyone can see it, except, apparently the people so entangled. Unfortunately, I also seem to get myself into those sorts of no-win situations on a regular basis. While not technically “abusive,” they are not also technically doing what I want them to do (and possibly that is the other party’s view of the situation as well!). Hidden agendas seem so possible to me to fulfill without anyone getting hurt, or anyone being the wiser, or anyone even losing anything of value (to them!). But, stealing is stealing, no matter how I try to dress it up. And stealing is Bad.
It just seems to me that I want stuff that is worth having, and I should have it, and there should be a way to strategize my way into getting it. The option of asking, trusting, waiting, and believing in the goodness of the other does not often occur to me. I suspect most of you reading also have very little faith in this alternate way of having needs met. And yet…
I ask my animals to believe me, trust me, wait for me, and even to ask for what they need or want. I think of myself as a benevolent and kind “owner.” Why wouldn’t I think of God (because I believe in God) as having this level of basic decency?
Probably because of all the suffering in the world. And again, I wonder, how much of this suffering is a direct result of all of us taking, taking, taking from each other in fear for our own survival, in suspicion of the concept of enough for all, in defiance of any trust that the world is ordered in such a way that simply staying in relationship with each other, with the land, with the Creator, would solve so many of our deep needs, and reduce money to the tool it was meant to be, rather than the end (it often becomes) that justifies so much hardship and treachery?
I don’t know. This podcast is me wondering out loud about another way to go about acknowledging my true hopes, desires, unmet needs, rather than scrounging. I’d like to not be a thief. I’d like to find a way to look around me with less avarice, and more appreciation. I’d like to relax, find my centre, relate honestly and trustfully with the God I say I believe in, and from there be able to walk forward, out of the “round pen,” and courageously move through the world with what I already have - which is possibly far more than I think I have.
Anyway, see what you think. At least I got this done before Friday ended!
