I’m spiralling in closer and closer to the point of what I’m writing, which is, ironically, to find my heart. Who is deep in hiding, or at least has been for most of my life. And it’s hard to find a point to anything without my heart, because that’s her purpose! To tell me what I care about. To give me the why. To feel the feelings that make everything worth doing. And I’ve mostly exiled her, and prioritized my mind and body (in that order, for sure!), which has consequences.
So here I am, with my large-hearted companion, walking and talking it out. I know that I need to welcome my own heart. Doing so is very scary. What if…? So much could go wrong. And I’m - scratch that - I have been very comfortable with my mind as commander in chief, busily solving problems whether they are important or not. The dopamine comes with checking off lists, not from truly living my purpose out. Because how on earth do I have a purpose without a heart?
My horse and my dog are helping me with this, because they are offering connection - heart to heart. And as I explain, it is possible to train animals, and to do things with animals with one’s mind and body, and then that’s what they contribute back, but something is always missing.
I am on a self-chosen quest to find my heart, to coax her out of her cavern (where I locked her up years ago), and to acknowledge her strength as opposed to fearing her “weakness,” which of course is not really weakness, but large and scary feelings, that do not get me to the goals my mind and body crave reaching.
I am writing, most probably, to those of you who may have been overwhelmed, or frightened, or neglected, or abused, or who simply calculated that the cost of having a heart join the table was too great. I want to go back to being a full person. To being whole-hearted. And my horse and dog are helping me, because they are so whole-hearted. I am just working on my courage (Cowardly Lion…?) and trying to show up as fully as I can for their presence in my world.
Control and speed are drugs for me. Soft awareness, beauty, affection, truth and all the warm, gooey “love” feelings that can happen between me and another generous, brave creature? Those are so scary. But I’m slowly overcoming my mental and physical resistance to my heart’s opinions, and contributions.
I’m not offering horse training advice. I’m not trying to support you in mindfulness hacks or productivity tips. Quite the opposite. This Substack is for overachievers, overperformers, and over thinkers. It’s trying to find the little, possible steps to opening that inner vault where my heart has been waiting…patiently. So much tougher and stronger than I thought. So much wiser and more helpful than I imagined. She’s the crucial team member to provide the why to the what. The point to the how.
If that’s you as well, feel free to dive in to the archive and shadow my journey. As well, I’m going to keep working at this problem through the many angles I’ve got going on here - soul space, poetry, practical sensory strategies that work for me, team dynamics, animal connection and interaction, and even some traditional therapy. But it’s all about that missing team member we love to hate, but who is probably a cornerstone to any structure we want to build with our lives. Including authentic relationships with people, and animals, and most of all, with ourselves.