Warming up, and holding warmth (from the archives)
- the fine art of interior space-making
Nourish…
On Joy and Sorrow
(by Kahlil Gibran)
Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow. And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. and the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?(Sutherland, Julie, bright poems for dark days: An anthology for hope, 2021)
Dare…
This is a watched pot. Just kidding. I forgot to watch it, and then it boiled over. And it occurred to me that this is a lot like life. Sometimes, I forget to watch, and I boil over.
The thing is, nothing seems to be happening for a long time! And then, suddenly, too much.
There are many great analogies, pictures, or object lessons about self-regulation out there. Having worked with a lot of kiddos who struggle in that area, I’ve seen many brilliant props meant to help even the most literal thinker understand that sometimes, we just “lose it.” And when that happens, no amount of blame is going to help put the pieces back together, or, in this case, the water back in the pot. It’s done. In my picture here, the boiling point was approached, approached, approached…reached. Bam. Foamy spaghetti water all over everything.
The trick is, as the poor frog in the pot has so often been told, to feel the temperature rising. In time. That, let me tell you, is no small feat of attention and perception.
A hesitant, deferential suggestion to all you fellow over-achievers out there…?
Dare to turn the heat down. Like, before the water boils. Over.
This, I have to say, feels almost like cheating. As a career enthusiast, hyper-focuser, do or die-er, bringing the temperature down on something I feel passionate about is (ha!) not cool. It is not socially acceptable (at least not in my head) to respect limits. I should go further, higher, faster, deeper, harder, longer…you get the idea.
And yes, as the poem above so beautifully states, the carving out of capacity for large feelings does work both ways, and can work to deepen our tolerance and experience of both Joy and Sorrow.
And isn’t more, better? All the time?
I think, once again, to really stretch an analogy to its breaking point: maybe we should think about deepening the containers we use for our lives, rather than simply flooding ourselves with experiences, and calling that admirable. Maybe we need to spend more time in the formation of the spaces inside of us, rather than rushing to fill each moment, each opportunity, each possibility, with heat and pressure.
Home, I believe, is a great word for the space inside of us that can be small or large, cramped or welcoming, painful or soothing, a place to retreat to, or a place to hide from. More space, more resources, more safety, more buffers, more awareness, more organization, more thoughtful preparation…make for a friendlier den. Putting some work into our inner container, our inner home, our inner pot that is always in danger of boiling over if not watched…I think that’s a good use of one’s time and energy, once in a while.
We do have a lot of Joy and Sorrow in any given day. Holding it, gracefully, carefully, respectfully, and maybe even warmly, is one way of showing ourselves, and those around us, practical love.
Sensory Strategy
(in case the above suggestion was a little too abstract…)
Create your very own visual rest area.
This is a space your eyes can “rest” to cue you to let your mind go for a little bit.
It can be as small or large as you like, but it needs to be in full view of you, when you are likely to be at your most focused, work mode self.
Sky is a great visual rest area. If you want to just have a space that frames a window, that’s a natural support.
If you don’t have that luxury, think about: earth tones, elemental features (fire, water, air). Plants evoke the outdoors, and can create an “oasis.”
Alternatively, think about a piece of art that has inner depth, draws you in, takes you out of your head, or just arrests your attention in a healing way.
A frame is important. It separates this area, cognitively and physically, from the background “clutter.” Have fun framing. You can even hide this area from others with the frame, using curtains as a concept.
This space needs to walk the fine line between soothing and interesting. Too soothing and you won’t see it at all. Too interesting, and it won’t soothe you. Feel free to play with elements until it’s just right.
Savour…
Things grow in quiet, dark places. Not always what we like to see, or find “pretty” or suitable for our storefront external selves, but still, there is a lot that springs up, even in the forgotten corners of our natural world.
Instead of ruthlessly rooting up everything inside of you that isn’t camera-ready, today, savour the compost. What is slowly being turned from waste, or debris, or even decay, into something else entirely? What miracles might be forming in the secrets you don’t even know you’re keeping?
One way to find out what’s going on in your own less-obvious inner rooms (inner home) is to allow yourself the luxury of being bored. Instead of filling up every second of down time in your day, intentionally let your mind just…drift. Don’t scroll. Don’t chat. Don’t put music on. Let the events and deadlines and chatter of inner and outer voices subside, get small, become less important.
In other words, turn the heat down.
Savour the stillness. The lack of input. The time you are telling yourself you have to “waste.” Savour that you are more than your productivity or appearance. You are becoming. What you are becoming might be somewhat mysterious. But you are, definitely, becoming. That’s a nice bit of knowledge to carry into the next ridiculous interaction you may have to weather. And it may just help you to hold the feelings a little longer. Holding warmth, rather than boiling over.
Rest…
You do, in fact, work hard enough. Let’s face it, you could work harder, but at what further cost? Allow yourself to believe that you have done some hard things today, and that rest is not only for those who achieve their benchmarks by some arbitrary deadline, but for you, too. Rest is for anyone who wants to balance out the rather staggering cost of just staying alive, and upright, and maybe even kind.
Good job, you. A couple of breaths will not hurt your progress towards who you really want to be, and even more, become.
Until next time…off to drift for a bit in the warming weather!