Recovery

Saturdays are for the soul

In Central Saskatchewan, winter is hanging on, hard. The day started with a sparkly, fluffy snowfall, and now there are sundogs (a rainbow around the sun from ice crystals in the air) making the day even more visually stunning. It’s not quite the palette I’d like to see, but at least the sun is higher, the days are much, much longer, and I can see on the weather app that above 0 temps are coming. Not soon enough, but I will be patient a little longer.

I’m thoughtful, today. And…I don’t think I’ll fight it. I do need to clean the fridge, then restock it with more/new food items, continue with regular daily chores, do some team management payroll stuff, and continue to find ways to support the various members of our household without being too invasive, but not too avoidant either. Tricky, that.

It’s actually been such an stress-filled month that this normal day, this unremarkable, un-pressured, and even pretty day, is a little unnerving. I’m not sure how to approach it, to be honest. While I think I managed to mostly follow my own excellent advice (you’re very welcome!), and return regularly to my “home base” throughout this last round of crisis, I’m feeling the lack of excessive challenge facing me today as…a kind of emptiness.

The danger, of course, is that I could interpret this shift in pressure as a problem, rather than an opportunity to regain some routines, and rediscover some relaxed and relaxing pursuits. I’m thinking that I will need to lean hard into my pre-loaded schedules of self-care, and resist the urge to look for more drama.

I am “adrenaline-disordered,” and I think that, like any eating disorder, the greatest difficulty in detoxing from this addiction is in the continued need to engage (at least occasionally) in its very triggering presence. Just like how a person with disordered eating must somehow come to terms with food, I can’t rule out the need for occasional escalations. There’s no strict abstinence, like in alcoholism, of completely cutting out the offending substance. Eating must happen. Every single day. Similarly, adrenaline is a helpful and necessary chemical, suitable for increasing focus and energy when real life emergencies happen. When the emergency dies down, the post-high slump is real. Today, it’s hitting me, not hard - but softly. Like a big whump from a feather pillow.

Photo by 🇻🇪 Jose G. Ortega Castro 🇲🇽 on Unsplash

Whew. Peace. It’s a good thing, right?

Carefully, I am returning to my inner team (my Mind, my Heart, my Body) to check in. How are we all doing?

It seems to me, much like returning from a wonderful vacation, or an extended work trip, there could be some time spent sort of re-inhabiting my Soul’s interior. A sort of walking around, opening windows, turning on lights, checking the need for heat/cooling/air exchange, and replacing clothes in closets. Where did I put those lists? What is it I was even working on prior to all the excitement?

Being proactive, rather than reactive, in between real cases of needing to respond quickly and with a complete drop in “normal routines,” is a very tricky skill. Anyone who functions on call in any capacity has to get good at this. It’s a next level sort of self-care to be able to rest when it’s possible; refuel, replenish, and also re-engage with valued and meaningful projects, always knowing that the possibility exists at any moment that they will need to be dropped, for an indeterminate amount of time. I don’t like it, but here I am. This is part of my chosen occupation at the moment, and it carries its own gifts, and its own costs.

Despite my tendency to reach for the positive, I’m going to think for a little bit about those costs, on this Saturday. Acknowledging them, as well as the real benefits of my unique lifestyle right now, may help me to make better, clearer decisions as to what would be most caring for my slightly battered inner team this day.

Let’s see…well:

1. my Body probably could stand a little extra rest. I’ve been starting to sleep more, and maybe this is valid. Perhaps I could allow myself some sedentary time today, just because there have been very few “breaks” in the action, for quite some time. Changing up the activity level to bring down the average is likely a good idea.

2. my Mind is understandably jumpy, a touch hyper-vigilant, and prone to create problems where perhaps none exist. I could maybe think about doing something super calming - like handwriting notes, or (less appealing) cleaning out that fridge.

3. my Heart has been shut up for some time, as feelings were not welcome while I was dealing. Now that I’m not dealing…continuing to keep her shut up may not be how I want to recover. Possibly, I might want to spend some time just…letting those feelings play across my consciousness somehow. I’d like to think a walk would be nice, but it’s so incredibly icy that I can’t do anything but try not to break a hip. So…maybe just sitting still and (as my wise counselor has suggested) reading some poetry, instead of creating for a change, would be supportive of her re-emergence as a functioning member of my whole self.

4. It’s also apparent to me, writing this, that adding in any hard thing at all would be very counter to my goal of integration, support, and balance for my whole, complicated self. Easy, and fun, and calm, and home-like, needs to be the way this weekend flows.

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Photo by 瑞秋 Z on Unsplash

I don’t know about you, but this sort of reflective, supportive, and even fairly specific self-talk is very new to me. Mostly I have wandered through life only vaguely aware (if at all) of the internal states and feelings that propelled me to avoid, react to, or repress awareness and consequent possibilities for compassionate actions. I’m trying to slow down, self-evaluate from a place of unconditional positive regard, and then make plans to support my values, not the various drives and pulls that originate outside my “round pen.”

I do have options, partially due to the unconventional schedule I follow. I can expect to stay home, walk dogs mid-afternoon, create my own rhythm of slight challenge mixed with rest, and enjoy the outdoors when the outdoors is enjoyable. However, like any self-employed person, I do need to remember some priorities and have a bit of internal discipline if I want to keep them well-ordered.

I’m prioritizing integration of my many internal points of view. I’m working towards kindness in concrete ways. I’m also trying to find a way to deal with the real life pressures that come at me constantly from the outside, by organizing the energy and strength available to me inside. And…I’m looking for beauty and other sources of “clean” dopamine wherever I can find them!

So, to return to facing this day, this housekeeping invitation of a day, I am grateful again for the remembrance that most of life is mundane. Most of life consists of repetitive, routine, and even ritual tasks, bordering on boring. This is okay, and even good. I will lean into that non-scary, non-exciting vibe, as the snow particles continue to drift across the landscape, stubbornly insisting that a cold day is the best kind of day.

If you are facing a similarly event-free weekend, I hope you are able to find enjoyment and meaning in the ability to place your own values carefully throughout the hours. If you are instead, like so many of us (so very much of the time!), extremely busy, wrapped in cares and concerns, and maybe on call in an emergency services setting, then please know that your work is valuable, but that you are even more valuable. When you can, take the opportunity to set down your high functioning and necessarily elevated lens on the world, and just flop down into some handy pillows.

Photo by insung yoon on Unsplash

Saturdays are for the soul. Even your soul. Especially your soul.