One Strong Circle
A Monday sort of magic
Thanks for the week off, everyone. It was very…restful. I felt able to step back from my writing, but also a little from my life, in a way that I’ve often wanted to. It’s not common to have pauses in the action, is it? This delay in spring up here (as opposed to the apparent heat waves going on south of the jet stream!) has meant that we are all sort of in slow motion. Almost holding our breath. Can’t do much in the puddles that are still covered in ice each morning, and the snow banks continue to tower on either side of any walkway that was plowed during the most recent spectacular blizzard.
That said, I have been hopping up on the stirrups of my buckskin mare. Not quite straddling her yet, but she is getting used to the (probably) odd sensation of me pulling hard on her saddle on each side and bouncing a lot, then having her take my weight while I lean way over and rub her belly on the opposite side of her ribcage. It’s fun because she’s not scared at all, and neither am I. We are both figuring out the cues, because sometimes pressure means move away, and sometimes it means stand still and hold your ground, and sometimes it doesn’t really mean anything. I’m going to take my time with all of this so that I’m certain that she’s really clear and confident in her own decoding ability. Also, it’s very icy. So I don’t have a lot of room to work (safely) within.
In other news, I’m thinking a lot more about the possibility of emerging into a less reactive existence, and having space and time to make some real (really real!) choices as to what I want to do with the little tray of resources I have placed in front of me. After a very rough winter, we are all doing better here, and the thought of (oh heavenly possibility!) warmth, dry ground, actual friendly outdoor weather, is making me feel a little drunk. Prematurely, because it is still very much on the wintry side of spring, but there’s hope.
This Substack has really carried me, in a lot of ways, through (hands down) the darkest valley my soul has had to traverse. While I continue to shield you from details, suffice to say there have been many adversities in painfully real time contributing to the ideas on my various articles, podcasts, videos, etc. I know for sure that being human in this world comes with a lot of risks, and while I haven’t hit all of them by a long shot (and really no one does, so there’s that), I’ve been led smack through some pretty horrible nights and days and hours and endless minutes. And this has caused me to be even more introspective than I would normally be, which is saying something. Specifically, it has forced me (because I am quite resistant) to occasionally admit to the dark side of…stuff.
Surviving has been top of mind. That’s a dark side. Surviving is not quite living, and yet it is definitely a pre-condition for living. And several times I’ve thought I’m out of the woods; free and clear - there are nothing but sunny meadows and butterflies ahead, and then the woods just…move. Or something. Anyway, surviving is a big assignment, and for some of us, it probably takes up most of the lifespan we are allotted. And that’s sad, because it doesn’t really add up to flourishing, thriving, generating, procreating (in a positive and happy sense), or achieving potential on any level whatsoever. A human on life support is surviving. That’s not what any of us aspire to, though.
Along the way, some paradigms that don’t quite match up with the totalitarian nature of chaos and adversity in my life, and consequently must not be made for lives such as mine, have had to be discarded. The first such worldview that had previously organized my thinking in a neat and efficient way was a version of evangelical Christianity. Alongside it, and equally appealing in a different palette, but still with shiny colours, was/is the competitive, capitalist, self-preservation plan for life. This also has proved inadequate to answer certain questions or help me navigate certain forks in the road.
Other large visions and missions that could fill in the spaces left by these two frames include: helping other people (just because), being authentically self-expressive (you’re welcome, world!), or perhaps simply chasing pleasure for its own sake in a hedonist/stoic sort of way.
I keep coming back to balance as a problem and a solution, both. Occupation being my occupation (as an occupational therapist), I tend to focus on doing when faced with any puzzle. I am a forward sort of personality, and I also attack things with my Mind first, and so it often seems that I rush into doing as, almost, an avoidance of needing to make a decision. Or of figuring out what it is I want to do. I do to keep occupied, and that’s a trap that smacks of survival, coping, defences, and all sorts of unbalanced thinking/feeling/actions.
The Christian Scriptures (which I’m hanging on to as a source of much wisdom - thank you Peter Enns for some very helpful clarification on this!) speak of a sin nature, and a new birth (among other metaphors). This is powerful imagery and merits some respect for the possible depth of what is trying to be conveyed. Parallel to this and often intertwined with it is the psychological idea of a personality structure which mediates between our tender core, or perhaps our true self, and the harsh outer world. There are also the commonly accepted (if not well understood) concepts of an Id, superego, and ego as cooperative or combative parts of our own complicated existence, thanks to Freud, but developed and extended by Carl Jung. Just to add to this whole soup of self-concept imagery we now tend to talk about gender as a social construct, diagnoses as diversity, and many other labels/definers of an individual as social constraints, and therefore suspect in relation to true identity.
I imagine you glazed over that last paragraph, and fair enough. My point is simply that there are a lot of thought and even faith traditions that point to separations within our self, or our experience of our self, which must be navigated somehow, and which require something that I will arbitrarily call “inner work.” And I am going to go further and suggest that every resource I’ve encountered that has touched on this problem has pretty much agreed that noticing, witnessing, or simply being aware of these inner divisions is a good start. It’s important to have a way to look at myself, with some objectivity, and that is a tricky posture, isn’t it?
Back to balance. I’m leaning hard (as I’ve done for a while now) on the Enneagram as a multi-layered symbol and never-ending source of patterns and fun analysis of behaviour/motivations. This particular concept map overlays well on my Heart, Mind, Body “inner team members” story, which is itself a development of an occupational therapy model of where our profession fits in a client-centred interaction. I like models, and schemas, and knowing where stuff fits in a larger whole. I especially like a unifying theory of everything, and that is harder to find, let me tell you. But I think I have some legs to stand on when I say that balancing our inner selves (with their complicated parts) is a first and necessary step before we can think of creating a balanced (congruent, sturdy, realistic, useful, sane) set of responses to the chaotic and adverse actions of the world around us.
Balancing myself within myself has been one hard thing. I started out thinking it would be easier, and we could all move on to other hard things, more interesting hard things, and talk about those. But, with all the various levels of unexpected and also run of the mill obstructions to forward motion, just keeping my balance, and holding my position within a small circle, has taken all my attention. It seems to me that after so many years of engaging (unwillingly, but necessarily) in this “occupation,” it may be that it is worthy of my full attention, and some respect for its utility. I’m going to keep writing about balance, therefore, because I’m getting to be somewhat of an expert on its finer nuances.
However, in focusing on this one skill, which is, let’s face it, a skill that is a means to an end, not precisely an end in and of itself (any more than breathing, or healing, or growing), I have to look again at that pesky paradigm problem. Meaning. Where is the meaning? What is my meaning? What is it I am balancing on, and for what purpose? Because I am aware (having geeked out quite a bit in a few fields) that I can delude myself quite easily and become really, really good at a defensive strategy, or a personality construct, or a belief system echo chamber sort of conversation, or just really any of a myriad of ways that any of us think we are doing one thing when we are (sneakily, unconsciously, or even sinfully) doing quite another.
I hate that idea. I want to be present, congruent, and calm. I want to be wise, in a real way, that helps me in the real world. I want to create something of value, that outlasts money. I want, above all, to participate in living, not just surviving, and not just lying to myself about what it is I’m doing, and how great it is, or how great I am, or any of that crap.
Balance, for me, means more than not falling down. It would be nice if it allowed me to walk forward, with dignity and integrity, and with some connection to all the ways we can take in information that tells us as much as we can handle about what sort of a place we find ourselves in, in our one wild and precious life.
I have been thinking, therefore, about circles. How the three legs of Heart, Mind, and Body hold up a stool that is a circle, on which I sit, as the Soul. The essential me. Or, further, how reality itself is constructed such that we move within a circle of awareness - having a centre, a horizon, and terrain in between those geometric truths. How there is a circle to processes of life itself - starting with the birth of an idea, the germination of a seed, the conception of a embryo, and progressing through development all the way to procreation, generation of a new generation, and also death, which contributes (through mysterious processes) to new life. Finally, I think there is a circularity to how quests or adventures play out, starting at Home, and returning there, after so many experiences have changed and expanded one’s being.
Balance, I think, is where the whole circle is well-supported, and no particular point of it is over- or under-emphasized. A strong circle, like a strong team, has diverse structures, processes, and outcomes. I want to do the hard things to create strong circles around my soul, my tender inner core, my source and ground for connection and creativity, which also encourage and allow quests from Home, and back to Home. I want to do this in reality, in the 360° circle of my own perspective (if I choose to turn all the way around, and let my shadow uncover its secrets).
I am coming up with some ideas for strong circular balance projects. My horses and dogs will help (they’re so up for helping!). My daily practices (including writing) are likely going to be co-opted for this task. My profession, my faith, and my personal suite of experiences in the messy world of complex caregiving are also going to be called upon. I will continue to learn from my mistakes, falls, lurches, and reflexive reactions to being shoved, and I’ll try to stay honest about what may be idealistic but unrealistic, or less than pretty but useful, or previously cherished but now needs to go.
I hope you’ll continue to drop in on this unfolding journey. Again, I’d tell you the whole inciting story if I could, but just know that I’m writing assuming that, like me, you are dealing with heavy shit. I also expect that you want to do more than survive, that you believe in love as at least something that exists between humans and dogs (a Monday sort of magic!!), and that you accept that growth is possible in our brains, and our spirits, right up until we die. All of that is sort of assumed, and from there, I’m trying to figure out what to do with my days that has purpose, and is not self-defeating, or flat out delusional. One hard thing.
Which I’m turning into One Strong Circle. Hmm.
So many words coming up!!! I bet you can hardly wait. :)
