There is nothing like the experience of being full of good intentions, absolutely brimming with positive optimism and kindness and whatnot, and then realizing that my actions were, overall, basically harmful.
I have become aware, as I clear off the artificial coating of applied shame from my reflective, honest Heart, that what I do does matter, far more than I thought it did. Far from being an unworthy imposter, I affect everyone I come in contact with. My need to be aggressively helpful as a (pick one): way to prop up my ego, way to make my own surroundings and daily experiences less distressing for me, or way to avoid doing the much less glamorous work of cleaning up my own soul - this is no longer a trait I can place in any good category.
Part of where I’m coming from, as I work and work and work on placing words to concepts and trying to come up with actionable techniques and strategies and stories for my own unbalanced soul, is the realization that there really is very little neutral territory as regards relationships. We affect people, and we can do no harm, or we can do some harm. It’s hard to do nothing at all.
I think that my energy is far better spent on my own disarray than on yours. I think that my tendency to fall over when I try to deal with anger, shame, or fear, is a more pressing issue than me seeing you wobble a bit over there. I feel some chagrin at my eagerness to charge ahead and be helpful, when I so obviously need to put the work in to learn how I myself could be more balanced (stable, sane, secure).
Coming close to people who do commit to their own soul’s health and welfare is a genuinely moving experience. I am shifting (and talking about it today) from a mindset of helpfulness as a desirable pattern, to congruence, internal coherence, and honest calm as being such good attributes that they will (of course!) be helpful, wherever a person is who carries them.
(Still hoping that this discussion is…helpful, though! But less invested in that as the metric I need to pay attention to. Honestly, none of my business. Back to my own strong circle, and all the work it requires.)
Happy Friday, and blessings as you work on your own “stuff,” because that work does pay off for everyone around you.
