Investigative Drawing for a complete beginner
A Monday sort of magic
The round penning I’m working on with Tundra is a complete departure from everything I thought was true and normal. It is an affirmation that a lot can happen in a small circle of growing trust. I am shifting not just what I’m doing, but my ability to believe in who I am. Who I could become, over time.
I’m framing it in terms of energy, and direction, because those are the aspects of relating that are most apparent to me in any given space. And, figuring out the various ways energy wants to flow between two individuals, and then witnessing it happening, and even trying (clumsily, and with some beginner mistakes) to direct those flows to be more in line with my intention and my values, has been, well, a Just Right Challenge. On the top end of difficulty, but still. Enjoyable.
I’m very comfortable Driving. It is such a default for me that I was shocked to learn and start to experience the pleasures of Soaking, and more recently, the completely reversed power of Drawing. You’ve been able to see me playing with these different experiential levers, if you’ve been following my Wednesday videos. I can’t tell you how true and present and real the therapeutic benefits I’ve been talking about (as I walk, in various weathers) have been for my battered Soul. I am healing, through relating, and my horses are standing in for the people I can’t quite access, but hope to eventually reconnect with, with more tools, and balance, and centredness in general.
Driving is hard work, probably the most energy-intensive way to be in the world. I have built up, over the years, a quite incredible level of stamina for it, but it’s never felt fun, or easy, or comfortable. I think I gave up on those descriptors of life rather early on in adulthood. I needed to focus. I needed to keep breathing through the constant forward pushing. I have basically entered an extreme Ironman sort of marathon experience of life, and just pushed on, and on, and on, through all the terrain, with the one strategy of “keep going.”
Circumstances stopping me, as they have, was a comical interlude (seen from my imaginal eye, up overhead) of me encountering a box ravine, looking around and around for a way up and out, and finding none. I threw myself at the barriers for a while. I tried to climb (but without safety equipment). I eventually, and with a fair amount of disgust/resignation/sharp disappointment, stopped moving. Forward. And this is where the learning finally began.
Driving is not the only way to use my energy. It is one way, but it is not always the best way. This is where I am, having circled my own little enclosure for years and months and weeks and minutes (time is somewhat abstract here). I am realizing that I can do other things, and still be human. Still be. Still, in fact, live.
Fighting to live is more nuanced than just that endless pushing, walking, running, battling forward. There’s more to the story. There’s more to me. There’s so much more.
Last summer I discovered Soaking. I tried to extend my tolerance for this initially quite uncomfortable activity. It was strange, and scary, and almost nauseating in my body, to STOP, and stay, and be with, without my Drive energy to give me a comfortable sense of evasion from predators.
I needed Home, the Safer Space I spent months spiralling around as a theoretical concept, and (slowly, slowly) a real haven. Home allowed me to construct some boundaries, some barriers between my tender Soul, and everything out there, which I was and am acutely aware constitutes danger. Home was crucial to give me the small but defensible circle to stand still upon, and within. Home allowed me to notice how my Body and Mind travel up and down the tall building of stress, and how my Heart hides from all that drama.
I believe my Heart is the keeper of my own sense of Security, if I can clear off the Shame which is the other side of that coin of self-consciousness. Security is a still word. It allows me to breathe, feel, accept the conflict, risk, and colour of life, both within and without my circle of control. Security is a prerequisite for Soaking, because otherwise I get too nervous, too skittish, too prone to flight, or a return to the comfort of Driving everyone away and myself forward, forward.
So I’ve been coaxing my Heart into my Inner Team, trying to listen to her emotional language, trying to accept her intense way of knowing, of experiencing, of expressing. I’ve been turning towards my core, to do so, rather than always facing away. This has caused me some internal moral anxiety, because of the artifacts of an upbringing that convinced me that I was not worth paying attention to: not by anyone else; not by me.
I need to pay attention to my self. I do, because asking others to do this work for me is wrong - not just morally; it’s illogical. I’m me. No one else is. No one else can take responsibility for me, my world, my perspective, my centre, but me. Of course that is true. Conflating self-care, self-management, and self-knowledge (a prerequisite for all of it!) with selfishness has been very unhelpful. Sigh…realizing this now is so frustrating. But…better late than never. As with so much else.
So. Drive energy is a comfortable (but tiring) state for me. Soaking has become possible. It is ever more attractive and I will likely spend years simply enjoying this option when with people I would love to spend more time with. Now, though, it is time to figure out the last direction. The one my Heart is so skilled in, but which I’ve forbidden her to use (almost entirely, anyway). Drawing. The pulling, inviting, welcoming, come hither energy that suggests I have something worth showing; am someone worth approaching.
I walked with my dogs this morning, thinking about this, contemplating the root of my reluctance to open myself up for others to come towards. As far as I can tell, it is mostly an untested, a priori belief that I am not worth it. The insecurity of a dismissed person, unable to attach without constant, unrelenting work to be seen, is mine, and it’s a tragedy. I’m finally able to postulate this as the most likely hypothesis for how I function. I’m also able to (finally) suggest gently to my much younger self that this is not true. It was an experience I had, but it wasn’t indicative of the whole reality of life. I can afford, now, to pull that premise back, and find a more secure footing to build upon.
This is an emotional post to write. And right there, that is a lovely feeling for me. To let myself know that I am feeling something tender: that is…soft. It pulls at my heart strings. Sometimes our idioms are so very wise.
Tundra is learning. I am trying to both teach, and also stay connected; learning with her, not making her learn. This is tricky stuff. It is impossible if I only push the lesson. Lots of time must be spent Soaking. We both need little breaks to process, breathe, reset, re-evaluate where we are, together, separately, and against the larger backdrop of each of our “herds.”
What I’m discovering, with a dawning sense of fatalistic excitement (this was always here; always available. I simply did not know) is that if I offer a Draw, instead of a Drive, then sometimes, maybe even often, I create the energetic space for authentic choice. And choice begets so much more learning than pressure.
What even…!
Why did I not know this? Why have I not tried this in all my relationships? What is so non-intuitive (for me) about inviting someone to come closer, without creating an ultimatum, a pressured set of consequences, or even a “carrot?”
I’m not sure, and of course I will continue to access my own counselling, and my own healing options for both cognitive reframing and also emotional reworking of so many distorted perceptions. However, in the moment, facing Tundra who is trying to learn my language and also stay in connection whilst feeling safe in her own skin (not an easy task for her!), I am occasionally, tentatively, stepping backwards instead of forwards. Backwards gives her more space, more options, more room. Backwards invites, but does not threaten. Backwards draws her in, but only with her own energy as a partnering, mirroring, connected responder.
And what I am seeing (and it instantly transports me to so many parallel human conversations) is that when I employ this Draw energy, I am not erased. I am not discounted, made invisible, or (worst of all) escaped from. I am followed. In the vast majority of times, Tundra shows me she would choose (given the real choice) to come in, towards, alongside, with.
And I only know that if I try it, right? I only test this relationship (not in a judgemental way, but a curious one) if I once in a while move back. Get out of the road and let the other “person” show me their preferences.
I know some people are wired and nurtured and so forth to move back too much. I know this direction (like all three) can be its own strong preference, and cause its own problems. Imbalance is no good no matter which way it tilts. But right now, for me, with my tendency to lean so hard into Drive, pulling back and settling into an invitational stance is very, very helpful. I think I need to try to remember to do this - or at least try to do this - in as many relational contexts as I can. And that will feel like I’m in pre-kindergarten, all over.
Magic, for me, is the unfolding of a whole realm of possibility between souls. I honestly thought I needed to keep moving simply to stay alive and in the barest sort of contact with any group at all. I was like a shark, endlessly propelling against the oxygen source so as to be able to draw in breath. If I not only stop, but start to pull back, to extend an open door with me inside it, to allow others to come closer, without flinching or defending (keeping in mind that I do have boundaries in place, within my Home, so it’s not a full-on invasion), then I’m not sure what could transpire. I don’t have a vision, or a script, or a template ready. I am a complete beginner, but ready to investigate.
I’ll start in my literal round pen, and spiral out from there.