This was a fun one. And gave me a ton of emotional information. I’m working on getting better at paying attention to what I’m paying attention to!
Anxiety in my animals really does cause me a cascade of internal alarms, and depending on how well I’m doing, it can cause me to escalate into care, or into vigilance, or even into irritation at their “neediness.” And that there is instructive, isn’t it? Using “neediness” to denote another’s general low character, weakness, or simple lack of will or drive or what-have-you is quite embedded in our Western culture. It’s almost the worst descriptor I can think of, a kind of soft slur that denotes nothing good.
How do I feel when I am “needy?” I feel weak, ashamed, like I’ve failed. I desperately want and crave and…need something. Maybe attention, maybe resources directed thoughtfully and skillfully my way. Maybe I’m not sure what I need, just that I don’t feel adequate for what’s being asked of me.
Placing that description up against the fact that we all need help, sometimes, and that asking for help requires a successive chain of events that is entirely under the category of fighting to live…makes me wonder if we haven’t inherited a prejudice or two that disincentivizes us from self-care in the most logical sense. If I don’t think that being needy is morally okay, I’m going to do everything I can to hide my neediness. Because I sure can’t stop being needy, just because my culture thinks it’s shameful. I need a lot. So does everyone. It would be so much better if we could normalize and even value the polite and clear requests for help that would allow us to actually support our most vulnerable, and even our apparently less vulnerable, group members.
So…I’m trying something with Tundra, once again, that may help me dislodge some very stuck thinking that I no longer agree will help me in becoming the person I want to be. I’m going to respond to slightly anxious behaviour, not as a behavioural problem, but as if it is indicating a need for more….support.
Come along and let me know what you think!
